Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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