So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
