I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
