Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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