at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
