My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
