that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
