Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
