I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
