ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
