I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
