This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
