i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
why is half of my head shaved?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
