i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
