Your mouth is God's brothel.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
