Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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