Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
