I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
