Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize