Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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