Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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