Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
