apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
