Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
