this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
