I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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