he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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