I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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