So drunk its hurt
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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