The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
