ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize