True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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