I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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