Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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