So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
