Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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