omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
