your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize