I think my fart just growled at me.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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