I am puke
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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