So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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