He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just puked most of my soul out..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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