i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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