Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
did i just pee glitter
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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