here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
