Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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