Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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