explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Randomize
