he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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