Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
