Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
