the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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