Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
