It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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