My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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