please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
