You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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