I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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